Sad and Defeated

It makes me sad to think that theres no one i trust to take care of my kids if i die.

It makes me sad that i have no one that truly has my back.

It makes me sad that no matter how kind you are, you will probably never get the same from others, maybe worse.

It makes me sad that despite all the hurt ive been through, i still refuse to save myself from other people.

It makes me sad that no matter how hard i try, my life will probably never mean anything much.

It makes me sad that i have to pretend my lifes fine for the sake of others.

It makes me sad that ive been taught to feel ashamed of showing my emotions.

It makes me sad to realise how broken i am and how hard it is to keep getting back up again and again.

It makes me sad that i cant protect my kids from feeling the same hurts as ive felt throughout my life.

It makes me sad to be a human being.

It makes me sad to be me.

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My Dad

So angry and upset at my dad for smacking brooklyn and ME! It happened last night over nothing. We both went to bed and bawled. I bet he wouldnt have done that if simon was still awake. Im grateful that he let us stay here but he is a total control freak and is never happy with anything u do. I try really hard to do what he wants but all i hear is how great my sister is. Its like my stupid childhood all over again. No wonder im terrified of making ppl angry and have crap self esteem. Simon acts alot like dad but at least he doesnt hit me. Wish we had somewhere else to go. Im tired of being treated like this by everyone. Im a good person and i deserve to be treated better than how most ppl seem to treat me. So now i wont be keeping the kids quiet or hanging his shirts out how he likes them or letting him control when my kids eat or doing all the chores or not walking through his room. Im tired of doing everything for nothing.

Goals

I want to be beautiful

I want to be fit

I want to hug an elephant

I want to visit my ancestors

I want to be a good mum

I want to be an archer

I want to be healthy

I want to be creative

I want to talk to nature

I want to take care of nature

I want to be at peace

I want to gallop

Travel

Job

Whispa

Eco

Looks

Spirit

Health

Family

House

Hobs

Horse

Car

Cash

Kids

Tired

People seem to wonder why im so tired all the time. Well maybe its because…

Im tired of the ugliness in the world and in the mirror too

Im tired of being broke and feeling so broken

Im tired of being called strong when all i feel is weak

Im tired of the weight on my shoulders and in other places too

Im tired of jumping through hoops while others run rings around me

Im tired of being used but im just so used to it

Im tired of arguing and fighting with my mind and other people

Im tired of not being good enough for the world or for myself

Im tired of being left out while wishing i could be left alone

Im tired of feeling like two different people living inside one body

Dream Flood

I dreamt that it was raining and i was driving with the kids in some random place. I wasnt totally sure of the right way to go. Brooklyn said we should stop for the night at a motel but i wanted to get home. We kept going but soon the road was flooded and there were crocs around the place. I asked for help but some guys just told me what to do in a complicated way. They expected me to just help myself and laughed. The girls were hungry but all we had were mustard, coffee and something else, all in the one sandwich. I still ate it and it wasnt too bad. We turned back and just made it back to the motel in time. I knew we would probably die and i felt scared and helpless. I started to cry as a rang simon to tell him what happened. Soon our motel room was flooded and we had to climb into the ceiling to get onto the roof. There were heaps of other people there and i was terrified as i realised that we didnt have much roof left before it would be covered by the flood. It stopped raining and i begged the sky not to rain anymore. It started to rain again and i felt like it was my fault. We realised that there was a higher section of the roof that only certain people got to go on and they would last longer. I tried to take my dog up there but him and half my family were put in a room of the motel, which was getting deeper under water all the time. It was a safe room for now but the people in it would eventually have to somehow try to make it up to the surface by swimming. A helicopter arrived to deliver yummy food to a few lucky people and i wondered why they didnt just save us instead. I looked around the higher section and saw a brain dead guy. I was tempted to turn his machines off to make room for other people from down below. I wondered if they had even let criminals up here, while innocent people were stuck below. I tried to talk to a lady but two lions jumped up beside me and scared me. Thats when i woke up.

Jaded

Death soon becomes us or so they say Beauty and passion are taken away

Turn away bleeding they banish your soul

No longer forgiven deception untold

Follow the streetlights to suffering and pain

Anguish stained teardrops will fade with the rain

Jealousy within us is coupled with hate

Forces of nature controlling our fate

Lonely souls beckon, the future so blind

Suffer the children because of our kind

No understanding of all that we’ve done

We’ll never bear witness to the beasts we’ve become

The shadows surround us like angels of death

Our heartbeats are fading with every breath

Now here in the silence we close our eyes tight

We’ll sleep til forever and follow the light

Our tears have all fallen, this sorrows our own

Another soul broken now we’re all alone

I Miss Being a Tree

The rain fell gently all over me, reminding me of the past. It felt cool on my dry faded skin. Then the sun came out from behind the clouds, drying me off. I felt the cold hard concrete holding me in place and a breeze gently passing me. All around me, others just like me, stood like cookie cutter statues all in a row. We all shared the same sadness and longing for home. A home we would never see again.

I tried not to think about my last day there but sometimes i could still hear the sound of the saw cutting through my body. Then that almighty crash as i fell to the ground, surrounded by my friends. I wondered if they had suffered a similar fate to me. I had reached out to those nearest to me when i felt the first blow. My life energy had surged from my roots and into theirs, passing along my strength to help them grow even stronger.

Now i could no longer feed from the earth that had surrounded my roots. I could never again soak up the rain or breathe in the air. My limbs had all been removed so i couldnt offer shade or a home for wildlife anymore. My bark had been stripped away, leaving my trunk exposed. I would no longer grow any closer to the sky. My only purpose now, was to serve as a place for things to be hung. A lifeless ghost of my former green glory. Never to bloom again.