Dear Sam

Its only been a week since you passed away so suddenly

I felt so guilty that id been away all that day, sitting in the cool, hanging out with angel

While you were alone with the sun and the snake

Simon was devastated when he found you that afternoon, covered in ants and blood

You deserved better but i guess we cant control how things happen

Willow asks where you are everyday and brooklyn cried while we buried you at dads beside cloe

We will never forget you


Dear Toby

Ive been researching my travel plans and this is a very rough idea for 3 places with sta tours. It seems a bit much but i have no idea really. 

6800 air n trip

1000 spend?

300 insurance

50 malaria

Visas minimal

1000 shots

9000 total?

Hmm that would probably be too much to get a loan for and too much to save for so maybe i will have to do them later or maybe seperately

Simons cousin does work for the airlines though

My sister kate was keen to go with me though and i was starting to get a bit excited again but im not sure if it was the  travel or crossing a goal off

I told simon about my travel idea and he said, “what am i meant to do?” 

I told him he would hate it anyway and he said brazil is fun but i told him its peru and he said yeah brazil, same thing. Umm no dude, it really isnt

Last night he told us to shut up again coz he was trying to sleep but both kids wanted to be with me

I wish he would sleep somewhere else but i ended up in brooklyns bed coz there was no room for me in our room and so i got barely any sleep

So ive realised i have too many goals for my lazy self so ive scaled it down to the main ones i want to do for now

I like doing archery but its hard in our yard and i dont like the local clubs and im not into it enough i think

I tried apple cider vinegar last night on my skin and teeth which burned a bit

I was going to do face yoga swan pose for my slight jowls but i dont think i can even be bothered with that or maybe i will get surgery for that

I guess i have to realise that most ppl only look good coz of makeup and the rare ones that dont need makeup are something i cant be even if i had heaps of surgery

So im just going to try to accept how i look and stop trying to be like makeup ppl when i dont have makeup on and accept that the rare ones are rare and natural

I was told i was gorgeous in a past life so im guessing that or society are the reason im so obsessed

Low self esteem doesnt help with anything either

I will try to do exercise but im mostly just going to suck my gut in and eat fairly healthy

Maybe still get Brow tattoos too

Hopefully i will be able to actually do these goals

Im so sick of simons shit. He wastes $, talks to us like crap, complains constantly but leaving right now would be more trouble than its worth so i just have to keep working on myself for now

I dreamt last night of being on a plane to america and going straight home when i got there coz the flight was dramatic and of course i missed home

On the plane was water leaking and animals and fear and breakups and guys with kids

Plus his brother said we were getting a divorce

I need to find a guy who loves kids, need for escape from chaotic life, need for drastic changes, travelling to the wrong place, not ready for the change, wont leave the past behind, loss of power and energy, repressed anger, fear of instincts, feeling controlled by your emotions, feeling attacked, healing deep wounds, reclaiming power, you have many resources and skills to help you, accept your spots and use them as strengths, be wild and free


So this dream interpretation is so relevant and clear for a change

It says to me that i need to leave my crap situation and that i CAN do it, love my looks etc, let go, be wild and free

Easier said than done

I havnt drank all year so far at least which is the only thing ive fully stuck too no thanks to simon trying to tempt me

Ive been staying off my ph more and getting more sleep and eating a fair bit healthier and researched travel so thats all good

I havnt really exercised or meditated or been extra nice or not picked or done beauty etc but i will keep trying

So its just teeth for a bit, maybe brows, decide what to do about travel, all the basic stuff we all try to do anyway like suncream and eating right and sleep and kindness

Once again, meditate is the main thing i need to do

Miss you toby and im sorry i wasnt there for you like you were for me and i hope you can forgive me

I will never forget you or stop loving you

Love aj


Dear Cloe

The thought processes i have to go through everyday just to feel ok, are exhausting and detailed plus they constantly change as the process ive been using becomes less effective each time and thats WITH meds

At the moment, we have a $650 ph/net bill, overdrawn accounts, simons hips still out even after the $100 chiro visit, no petrol and no $ until tomorrow from a cash job but our proper pays arent for another 3 days

I really miss you cloe but i know you will always be with me and you have lots of company up there with gran, albert, gilbert, mum, pop, grandad, toby, etc

Brooklyn misses you alot and still includes you in our family and daily life or thoughts

She even asked if you would get a xmas gift from santa which was so cute i thought

She pretends she can see you and that youre riding in the car with us and she talks to you sometimes

Simons so annoying with the cooking now that im doing it coz he just cant leave me alone and it makes me feel like im stupid or something

I think i change my mind so much because i get such a passionate high but it doesnt last long and then i get a low that makes me feel like everythings pointless

I googled ppls faces today to see if i look normal and how i can fix myself

Its no wonder ppl have mid life crises coz thats usually when all the interesting stuff has already happened and all you have left to look forward to is working at the same crappy job everyday to pay off your mortgage if you even managed to get one

By mid life most ppl i know are unhealthy, tired of being married, not good looking, the kids are in school, works getting old, not many real friends left, worn out, pessimistic, etc

Ive been trying to think of words that brooklyn can relate to so she can learn the alphabet easier

So far ive got Amy, Brooklyn, cloe, daddy, elephant, family, grey, horse, jade, kate, love, mummy, nan, onchao, pasta, queen, raph, simon, turtles, willow. 

Ive still gotta work out I,u,v,x,y,z.

Id love to take the girls with me for the elephant orphanage trip but id be too busy with them to enjoy the elephants

I might be able to get my sister to go with me to scotland and peru or simon coz he has a mate that lives in england that could help us

Its 945 and simons been asleep for a while, willow just went to sleep and brooklyns still awake!

Love AJ


Dear mum

Rose quartz for love, amethyst for healing, jade for balance

It makes me so happy to see my kids finally being independent more of the time

Life has been so much harder without you and i finally realise how much you did for me

I wish i was a great mum like you were but im half like dad which is fine but im only a good enough type of mum

Dad tries pretty hard to help me out but he still isnt quite like you

Im tired of everyone demanding things of me but not giving back

Simons constantly harasses me about sex, whinges about everything, doesnt listen to us, etc and the girls are constantly asking for things then sam wants pats and then my brain wants to worry and think constantly

Its no wonder im exhausted most of the time

Its 930 and the kids are finally asleep but ive been trying since about 8 coz simon always wants to go to bed so early and i shouldnt have to do it myself like i did with brooklyn for 3 years

I dont have any swimmers to wear coz im too fat now and ive been looking for loose ones but i just realised that everything clings when its wet anyway

I dont go swimming much anyway and summers half over so maybe i will try again next summer

Im going to try using apple cider vinegar for my teeth, toe, sun damage, scars and blocked lymph gland

Im going to try to accept my nose just like lea michele and barb streisand

Im thinking i might get my brows tattooed coz theyre still there but could be a bit better and of course i cant be bothered with makeup

I might try some danielle collins face yoga too and im going to get some wall posters to remind me about both yogas

I might try to go travelling overseas when simons loans done in march but i need to do some research first

I feel like im doing what i can towards my goals but at the same time i feel like its not enough due to me not doing everything now which i wouldnt do anyway and my usual procrastination excuses

I think if im at least doing a few things to work towards some goals then thats good enough i guess considering i usually just think about them and dont actually do anything

I get so stressed thinking about all the little things i have to remember each day coz i want to do everything right

Well thats about all for now mum

Love AJ


Colouring with kids

I have to get a blood test to check for arthritis and im only 34 but when i go back to work, i need to have proof that im in pain

Simons now planning on working at the plumbing shop again soon which means more hours and less pay

I wish i could live with my dad coz he loves nature and is good with the kids and doesnt work now etc or even live with my brother but if i hadnt gone back to simon, i wouldnt have willow

I think i want to be fit enough to wear a bikini but im actually too lazy for that

I think i need to be happy with looking decent enough in clothes coz i dont like exercise and i love food

Most of the time i dont mind being fat but its societys reminders or seeing thin ppl because society says theyre better than me, that makes me feel bad i think

The girls got to play with their counsins, aunts, uncles, gran, neighbours, visitors, friends, etc over these holidays

So my great new year plans have kind of failed already of course but i will still try to keep doing them anyway

I hope dad buys a property one day so we can go live with him

I have enjoyed eating healthier though

I just ate a heap of chocolates even though i didnt enjoy them and i dont know why

I feel like a failure in every way and i dont see the point in anything really

I try my hardest but i get yelled at from everyone over nothing so im always scared of messing up which i often do

Yet ppl do bad stuff to me and dont care and dont allow me to get mad

I think i will try to do everything in a meditative way from now on

My family is ok but i wish simon would be a nicer person but i cant change other ppl and i cant leave ppl really so i just need to let it not affect me

I want to travel but it will cost heaps and i have no one to go with and we struggle enough with $ already

I could get a loan like simon did but the fact that we are already short of $, stops me from doing it

Ive had so many unfulfilled goals for so long, that im sick of thinking about them so i dont really have that passion anymore

I think i will start writing this blog like a letter to my mum or my dogs that have all passed away, so i can feel closer to them and have someone to direct my thoughts at when i write


Me and my shaddow

This is me 1st thing in the morning

When i look at this pic i think hmm not too bad for just woken up but my forehead sure stands out as usual 

I never really wear makeup because its such an effort and im not much of an artist

I have struggled everyday of my life since i was about 6, to like how i look

Ive thought seriously about surgeries in the past but something always stops me

I was teased in school for my big shiny forehead

My eyes are unique to my family just like my dad

His eyes are hazel, which seems like a magic changing colour to me

My eyes are dark grey blue like the ocean at night which makes them look black and weird

Absolutely everyone else in my whole families have light blue irish eyes but ive always liked being different coz it makes me feel special

Ive always had these weird rabbit ear shaped nostrils which make it hard to breath when im asleep and a bulb shaped tip

My nose has a bump on the bridge which im not sure how it got there or when

Ive always liked my lips but thats about all

My teeth are flat from grinding them from stress and slightly yellow from not brushing them much and drinking alot when i was at my most depressed

My forehead is covered in wrinkles from raising my eyebrows so much, trying to be like my dad when i was a kid

My eyebrows used to be great naturally but now theyre permanently overplucked from my teen years

My back has a scar that goes all the way from having metal rods permanently attached to my crooked spine

My legs and boobs have stretch marks from gaining weight before i even had kids

My once lovely feet are cracked and hard just like mums used to be and one of the nails is too expensive to fix

My armpit bulges on one side from the blocked lymph gland that the doctor said was fine but its not to me

My skin is covered in scars and sun damage and big ugly moles from tanning and lasers and dermabrasion failures and picking

My stomach has a scar where they stitched up my teenage hernia

My ears, lip and navel are full of old piercing holes

My eyes are constantly tired from lack of sleep from kids and partying and ocd and sleepovers

I have a tat on my upper back that says strength in celtic and one on my wrist that has our family motto which translates to death or a life of honour

My body is covered in harmless tiny red spots like dad and sis, which bleed like crazy if you try to get rid of them

My hair is its natural dark brown these days

My chest has wrinkles from sleeping on my side

My stomach bulges from overeating and not exercising

And of course everythings been affected by childbirth in the usual way

I cant stand having my hair down but i cant cut it all off either and i look worse with an annoying fringe so i seem to be stuck with the pulled back look

My nails are either cut or chewed short and rarely painted

Im not a girly girl but id still like to feel pretty but its hard when i see all these flaws

Ive tried fixing them and it usually fails plus theres just so many things id change so ive decided instead that i just have to somehow accept my flaws and see them as stories of my life

Its funny but my huge back scar has never bothered me really

Im not one to force myself to do things that make me unhappy, so i seem to inherently know that life isnt meant to be about that

I love the tiny quiet moments when all the noisy humans of the house and town are asleep and im alone with my bulldog, drinking tea, listening to nature, writing and relaxing on the couch under the fan


Thoughts and Ramblings

I havnt had any drinks since the new year started

Last night i started thinking about how merida from brave is plain looking but i still love that movie

Maybe i should be proud of how i look because of my celtic heritage although im not brave or tough like merida

I wish i didnt change my mind so often about things coz it makes life very difficult

The girls start school in less than 3 weeks and i still have to get hats, bags, cover books, fill out paperwork, labels, etc. 

I go to the doctor tomorrow about my bladder and arthritis

Im still waiting for a gyno appointment and i havnt tried using vinegar yet coz we were out of it

Todays been pretty good so far but i get so irritated, disinterested and tired and its frustrating and depressing

I mostly just want to stay home and be on my own these days but i still get out and socialise for my family

Im really sick of simon being tired all the time from drinking or hurting his back etc

Ive realised over the last few years that im not as selfless, kind, caring, friendly, etc as i thought i was

I think brooklyn will be ok with her issues as long as she does some yoga and meditation, which we can do together

My biggest problem is that i want my life to be perfect, organised, etc and thats just not realistic

Its crazy to think that i used to work so hard for things in the past and now i just cant be bothered but they still annoy me

Id love to have a horse but id probably change my mind then

I think im scared of doing stuff now coz i wasted so much effort on meaningless shit in the past, that i thought was important

I constantly go between wanting to be perfect, cool, etc and being natural, free, etc but i guess natural is more likely

I never know which one is the real me or how to find a balance in between and its hard when the worlds always telling you to be perfect

Im such a procrastinator that ive had this bladder issue for at least 5 years and have only just gotten it checked out

So far today ive had salad, toast, chips, tea, protein bar, water and le snack so im not doing too bad

I definetely need to get some better bras that are black, sports, underwire and longer 

Ive decided i need more tops coz ive only got plain or singlet but i think i want mostly short sleeves but pretty at the same time

I dont really care what job i end up getting, as long as its enjoyable enough not stressful and hot etc like childcare was

I also go between being all fired up, to feeling totally deflated and unbothered, which is very frustrating

The sad thing is that i want to just be me but not looking good enough has always been my biggest issue

Theres things i think i want to do but i never bother doing them so does that mean that i only think i want them?

I used to hate the rain but now that i want to just stay home mostly, i love the rain but it doesnt rain here much

I only have a few friends these days and we’re not even that close really but my kids and dog are my closest friends now and theyre the best friends i will ever have

I want to look good so i feel like im good, i want to do hobbies coz then id feel cool, i want to be eco coz its the right thing to do, i want to fix my health so i dont feel defective, i want a nice job so i can like going to work and feel happy, etc

So all of my reasons are about feeling good, which is what most goals are about for everyone and not the actual goal itself

Most other people seem to be happy with any job, any husband, any looks, a boring life, acheiving nothing special 

I wish i was coz i think i want so much more but i actually acheive so much less