19/3/19k

So im finally getting my centrelink $ on thursday. I rang about some houses today and i have a viewing tomorrow but now simons decided he wants to keep chiefy. I was so mad coz i specifically asked him about it before. Anyway, i will lookat this place tomorrow and see what i think coz maybe he could come for sleepovers but then that might just confuse him.

Jess is annoying me heaps today too coz shes been carrying on about being worried about getting caught lying about me living there when im at dads now. Ppl offer to help u then they chicken out over nothing. I cant wait to get them out of our lives. I just need to keep the kids fully occupied and tell them that theyre busy most of the time. Im grateful for what help i do get from everyone but it barely seems worth it for the bullshit u have to endure too. The only excuses i can think of for avoiding jess are:

Nan

Playdate

Dad

Riding

They really make it hard to get $ and a house coz they barely believed me about not living with simon coz the stupid centrelink lady told me to leave my address as my old one. Its taken 5.5 wks to get any $ and thats only coz i phoned up and told them about our anxiety but i couldve gotten domestic violence immediate help (not that it really was) if id applied in the first wk. Then for housing i need referees and previous good housing and a heap of id, which im just lucky i have my passport to use coz the cars still in his name and the dogs unregistered and 2 bank accounts are still joint ones. It all just gets so messy and hard.

I just get so tired of having to play by everyones rules and rely on ppl coz they always let u down or use it against u or screw u around. Im going to try to keep things stable for as long as i can this time. Its too stressful doing all this crap. I still hope i can meet someone decent someday but i dont actually hold out much hope of it happening.

18/3/19

So im still waiting on centrelink but it should be this wk or next supposedly. The houses we have to choose from right now are air con bush cottage with big yard, a nice on the inside house with small yard or a slightly old unit in a complex with a pool. Thats our possible dog house choices. If we go without chiefy, then the choices are nice little main areas unit with/without pool/air.

Id like to have chiefy with us but he is also good where he is. Itd be nice to have air and a pool but theyre not that important. We dont really need to live in a main area coz we have a car and the girls cant walk/ride far anyway. I might feel a bit scared at night with the bush cottage but itd give the most privacy. I thought it wasnt good but maybe its been sitting there waiting for us all along.

Sometimes i feel like the world wants me to stay with simon coz nothings come easily with leaving etc. Today centrelink rang up barely believing me about leaving but i should get paid very soon so thats exciting. It feels scary though coz it seems easy to get caught out even when we arent doing anything wrong and if i go back then it will be even harder to leave again. So i guess i need to make sure i dont go back coz he wont change really. Even though i love and miss him, i wasnt happy there and we are still married but now i dont have to put up with his crap but i still get to see him and talk to him a bit. The girls still get to see him a fair bit too.

Im excited about being in control of things a bit more once i have my own place. As long as i know he still cares which i think he does and theres no one else for him, then im ok. It took him ages just to meet me so i dont think he will meet anyone else. If he did cheat, i wouldnt know about it anymore than i would if he had already cheated. He cares about the same as he ever has anyway. We could never afford family holidays before anyway. If he wants to hang out, he can do it at our place while he plays with the girls.

The girls definitely have plenty of different activities to keep them busy which is good. The only thing that stresses me out is samples for reports. I think i need to sit down at the start and end of each year and plan exactly what we will do and do it. Then i dont have to worry about it on and off all year. They say that they learn everything easily through life experience anyway so thats good.

Everythings been too stressful so far but i feel good one day and bad the next but hopefully we will all feel better once we are finally settled. So far its been hard to tell if ive made the right choice but Simon hasnt made much effort so i guess i did the right thing. I think he is selfish but clueless, not really purposely mean.

14/3/19

Today Jess touched gluten and was fine and used cheap bug spray too. Ridiculous. I made sure i didnt mention it coz that would probably just remind her.

B and i had to round up the kids grannys chooks today. The kids had fun at their sleepover. Its good to know theyre fine with someone but its sad that its our weird ex neighbours.

Jess wont shut up about how happy the kids r at her place. Shes obsessed with us coz we r her only friends. Shes helpful but i wish she would get a life. It pisses me off that she wont leave me alone.

She even asked me what the problem was with staying there. I just said id see how next week goes first. I hope to god i get my $ and a house asap so she backs off.

Im not sure what i will do about chief. He has attached himself to simon but still comes to say hi. It makes me a bit sad but he has to do what he needs to for his own emotional needs. I left him and he doesnt understand. He needs a pack leader so he had to stick to simon to feel secure but its still sad.

He would probably get more time with us during the week but maybe less on weekends than with them. We could get a really nice place if we left him and he seems happy enough. I mean the hair on his tail even grew back randomly. Plus he has a nice big space there so it depends on my yard size too and i dont even really want a yard but i guess itd be good for the girls to have a yard too. Although i can take them out most of the time anyway.

So i guess i will try to have chief but its ok if not coz i think he is pretty happy anyway and i can still see him if i want. The kids will be fine either way too.

The girls are meant to be having a sleepover at simons tonight but willow only lasted 2 hrs last time so we will see. Ive played games and had a sleep so far. Pretty exciting. Lol. He still had the nerve to ask me to get him beers even though he had just been out. Then he gave me the wrong $ and didnt even have it ready so i had to wait around a bit. So fuckin annoying.

Why cant ppl i want to, be as obsessed with me as my kids and jess are?

Theres really not much choice of houses for pets out there right now.

Just found out that he can have the kids for 21.5 hrs and i still get 100% payment. Yay! No more guilt or going without breaks for me. So he can basically have them from lunchtime saturday til 9am sunday each weekend. Woot!

The kids are actually happy at simons tonight and jess found out the helpful info for me. Maybe my life actually can get better. Pretty sad though when tiny shit like that, makes me so happy coz lifes been so shit for so long. At least im appreciating the little things in life though i guess.

I find that even supposedly kind adults arent that tolerant or kind to kids half the time. Usually theyre just trying to be creative and imaginative but adults stop them because they dont want their precious throw cushions used etc.

I guess the things simon and i will mostly have to avoid with our separation are pda’s and overnight stays. We are separated so we dont want to get in trouble for doing the wrong things. I already have to keep saying no to outings together as a pair. He doesnt seem to get it. The rules are very strict though. You can even visit them in hospital or anything. How ridiculous. I have perfectly good reasons for everything else but i guess if we get in trouble then they will just make me pay it off and i will have to go back to simon coz i wont get single $ anymore so i wont be able to afford to stay alone.

Once we get our own place, jess should stop bugging me.

Theres just so many things to worry about all the time.

My Green

Vote

Click

Sign

Short showers

Less meat/eggs

Green super

Recycle

Buy green

Teach others

Go outside

Meditate

Green energy

Rarely buy bottled water

Buy eco products

Reuse shopping bags

Help hurt/lost animals

Cold full wash

Donate things to lifeline

Accept donated goods

Library

Eco burial

One trip for errands

Less flushes

Pick up rubbish

Dont work

Home schooling

Turn off lights

Tap off while brushing

Reusable razor

Kindle books

Etc

Breakdown

A-Kids hav gone for a sleepover at jess house coz i cant stop crying today. Hope ur days good. Xo

S-What’s wrong.

A-Everything. Just been trying to be strong for too long. Heartbroken that our marriage is never going to work. Feel like a terrible parent and a useless human being. 😔

S-I’ll call you later I’m still working xo

A-Dad just made a sarcastic comment at me about resting and always taking it easy. Stupid dick doesnt have any responsibilities.

S-is there anything i can do? Have u been taking your tablets? Dont stress about us, we will work it out. Im still driving home from work. Were u sleeping? I will let u go then. Go have a cool shower. Love u

A-it bothers me that my kids, mostly brooklyn, love hanging out with a family of crazy weirdo mean ppl so much and yet in some ways theyre really nice.

I think my centrelinks finally going through next week coz they messaged jess about being my contact on the form or something but theres not many decent dog houses to rent. I dont want to abandon chiefy even though he is probably fine where he is

I wish i could meet someone who was as wonderful as hiccup from how to train your dragon or jughead from riverdale and i wish i was as awesome and beautiful as astrid or someone else but i guess fairytales dont come true.

Im just so tired of trying so hard and getting nowhere. Im sick of being plain jane, frumpy sensitive doormat girl. I just cant seem to make my life change much, no matter what i do.

S-Nite babe hope you feel a bit better I do love you and care about you with all my heart and hope one day we can sort all this shit out and have a happy life once again we just both need to sort owe shit out please don’t be hard on your self you are doing a great job with the kids all by yourself everyone has shit day from time to time love xoxo

A-Thanks sime. Im happy crying all over again now from your msg. I really needed to hear that today. Its hard being all alone. I just really miss u i guess and i love u so much. U dont know how much it means to me to hear some kind heartfelt words. Love u xoxo

S-👍🏻get some sleep 😘

A-I will try. ❤️

11/3/19

My pants definitely feel a bit looser and i wore my new togs for the first time today and felt pretty good.

I think from now on simon can have the kids by himself for a few hrs so i get a tiny break at least and we dont argue.

I might have to get something to help me stay full coz ive been struggling a bit more lately with calories.

Shes allergic to everything but she orders a chemistry kit for the kids.

Still no $ from centrelink but i have $800 in my bank. Should get a bit of backpay. Hopefully get paid next week or 2, then have to find a house. Havnt heard from housing dept yet either.

B had a massive meltdown tantrum tonight over the tv. Once she calmed down she told me she misses simon and wants to see him more and wishes we could all live together again in our own house. Then she asked me to drive them to sleep. It was heartbreaking. I dont know if i can do this alone. I thought i was doing the right thing for everyone but now i just feel lost.

S-It will be ok tell her she can stay for as long as she wants this weekend xo

Not really much of a response. He obviously doesnt want us back or want to try to work anything out or help his daughter. Pretty sad really. Glad i left then.

S-Yes I do Amy just don’t no what to do. One minute you want to leave by yourself and now u want us to b a family again I just don’t no what to do.

A-No i dont. Im fine. Im worried about brooklyn. Just forget it. I dont know y i bother with u.

S-I worried to.

A-Its just hard to tell if u care about anyone

S-I care greatly about my kids I’ll start having them all weekend from no on if they want to stay

A-U need to start showing them u care so they know. Im not asking u to have them more. I duno wat to do. Doesnt sound like u care about me but thats fine.

S-If they to stay with me on the weekends they can

A-Wateva. So i guess we r over then hey

S-That’s up to you I asked you to go to the movies but you said no what am I supposed to do

A-Do u want me to get a huge fine and have even less $? U arent even meant to have them all weekend either. U just said u care about the kids but didnt mention me then ignored my question about it.

S-I do care about you.

A-Uh huh

10/3/19

Today a bird shit on me. Just my luck. We went to the beach with simon but he barely played with the kids but of course he thought he did. He wants to go to the movies but i told him we r meant to b split up. We saw a harlequin great dane. I went for a nice little walk. Last night i played a scary zombie story game til late with a hot guy character in it. If only they were real. Simon is leaving already after only a couple of hrs. Poor brooklyns trying to tell a bunch of kids about her situation at the moment but theyre not listening and shes twisting knots in her dress awkwardly. Someones kid fell and was crying but all these adults just stood around staring until i finally tried to help and the dad showed up. Simon went home mad like usual. This was my msg to him:

A-I dont get y u get mad at me. Sorry but I didnt see u do much with them really. Must hav been for the tiny amount of time i was walking. U dont see them much and u were up them about taking too long getting dressed. Its like u didnt even want to be there anyway. I have to spend wat little $ i have, buying them ice cream on ur outing time. Y wouldnt i be a bit annoyed. Then everytime i say anything u crak the shits. But like usual everythings my fault. These r the same reasons i left. They didnt want u to leave yet and u dont see how hard it is for them to cope these past few wks but ur still just thinking about yourself. This is y i had to leave coz u wil never understand and u wil always put yourself first and blame others and not put in much effort. Sorry to upset u but thats the truth and u just dont like me saying it. Respect and apreciation comes from putting in the work not just for free.

S-I no I have a lot work on sorry.

A-Do u just say that to shut me up though? Im just tired of everything being shit and my fault at the same time. Everyone blaming me for everything. Then everyone thinks its ok to just say sorry and repeat. I feel like i try to be nice and a good person and yet i seem to only deserve a shit life. I dont get it. If i didnt have the kids, id probably literally just curl up and die. When theyre mean, thats wat i feel like doing, which is half the time

S-I don’t just say thing to shut u up.

A-Ok. Have a good day then. Xo

S-U to

A- Doubtful

S-Sorry to have wrecked the day with you selfishness

A-Me too. Kids had fun at least. All i seem to do these days is get up them.

S-That’s what most parents do from what I have seen Don’t feel bad about it

A-Yeah but most parents suk and i try to be a good parent so it hurts me wen i hurt them and anyone for that matter

Be strong

Its hard wen evryones hating on me all the time and theyre being horrible to me too